Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Santa's Little Helper's-Comp Claim

I posted a photo of my cat on Facebook this weekend. Don't worry, my feline misadventures will be well documented in future blog entries. (Right up there with my vacation slideshows, I know you can't wait.) Suffice it for now to say a house with two cats and a dozen cameras is bound to have tons of cat photos.

So I decided to post this one to poke a little fun at those who are already chomping at the bit to get their curbside holiday extravaganza on:

Pac: No Aggie, bad kitty! It's WAY too soon to hang the lights.

This must have struck a nerve, because someone shot back with the prize-winning caption of the week:
StevieB: Poor cat fell from the ladder when the staple gun hit the wire. Why oh, why didn't you turn the power off first Pac? Poor cat probably flew 15' across the room, what's wrong with you?
Pac: Oh he's okay. Walk it off pussy! You've got eighteen more strings.

First, no animals were harmed and there's nothing "poor" about that cat, least of all his appetite. Second, this defensive random stranger does raise a very good point. People need to be careful out there. Electricity, ladders, staple guns, slick icy roofs, catnip... it's a recipe for mayhem folks.

So... (you knew this was coming) to do my part to promote a safe and happy holiday season, I'm using a portion of the the vast Pad resources to endow the creation of the first annual (drumroll, please)...

This first Sparky will be presented to the elf who spreads the most neighborhood photonic cheer with the fewest debilitating accidents. The winner will be determined by this simple formula:

bulb count (lit only)
blood loss (in ml) +
bruising (in square cm) + 
cranial lumps (max 20) +
pinched or smashed digits (max 20) + 
shocks (in volts per zap) +
whacks to the ulnar nerve +
(fractures * 10)

Staple and nail punctures will count under blood loss, and broken fingers will count under both fractures and smashed digits.

Humorous and/or embarrassing anecdotes not resulting in permanent scars will not be counted against the contestant and may instead result in bonus points at the judges' discretion. The idea behind the bonus is not to reward jackassitude, but to acknowledge the value of sharing your mistakes so that others -- even complete strangers -- may learn from them.

Remember, just because people are laughing doesn't mean they're not learning.

And finally, the Sparkies are a safety awareness prize only. There is no consideration for the perceived quality of the final presentation. After all, one person's fabulous quasi-religious electroluminescent masterpiece may be his neighbor's epitome of tacky light pollution. And Sparky don't wanna get into that.


  1. Great. Now I have to be sober whilst I hang the outdoor lights. Thanks.

  2. The cat caption cracked me up.