Monday, May 23, 2011

Left Behind

Bad news... if you're reading this, you haven't been raptured. I'm assuming rapture is a goal of yours, it might not be. As for me, I just hate being left out of things. The more exclusive the guest list, the more I want be there. Even if it only sounds elite. If there's a "platinum" or "pro" version, I'll pay extra for it.

I think this deep-seated insecurity stems from my years being picked last in elementary school gym class. Sure, I threw like a girl and am still slow to understand the rules of any organized team sport. But I liked to think I had something to offer my team. Evidently, biting sarcasm and physical comedy weren't skills highly prized among prepubescent team captains. At least not on their team.

Seriously. You can't spend a week pelting me with dodgeballs, then show dismay when I run screaming from a baseball on an incoming trajectory. It's classic Pavlovian conditioning.

To be fair, I wasn't always picked last. But I was always in the group of dregs where the selection process tapered from enthusiastic to "aw Coach, do I have to?" My tribe of outcasts included the Japanese foreign exchange student, the deaf kid with the hearing aids, the boy with baby fingers on one hand and the kid that had to wear a wig since the fire. And me, Alternative Lifestyle Kid. (A euphemistic paraphrasing of my actual tribal name.)

But even within our ragtag team of misfits there was a hierarchy. Exchange Student made that clear every lunch break. (Pacifist culture my ass.)

I could beat Baby Fingers in the rope climb, but a pair of boxing gloves leveled that playing field. Once while tumbling, Hearing Aid Kid missed the mat. I'm sure today's solid-state microelectronics would have fared better.

I'm 100% convinced it was only for entertainment that Coach made Baby Fingers wrestle Wig Kid. They were fairly matched though, since Wig Kid had to use one hand to keep his hair on.

But I will never forgive Coach for pairing me with Exchange Student on karate day. I still cringe every time someone bows with honor. Or I wax off.

One of my many birthday gifts from Julie. A mousepad. How did she know?


  1. I sooo would of hung out with you.

  2. I was always a last choice too. And unfortunately we didn't have any disabled or other races. So I had no "brethren".

  3. I always hoped they'd decide they had enough players before they got to me. I also always hoped that the scheduling computer would forget to assign me to a PE class the next semester.