Wednesday, July 20, 2011
At the risk of bragging, I owned an iPhone before Steve Jobs even thought of apps. His big idea was to have everyone to write HTML5 web applications for the iPhone. Even I can't believe he thought... Excuse me for one moment, please? I so seldom get visitors at this hour...
[Awkward, muffled thumping noises...]
Sorry. Pac had to be punished.
Anyway, for a long time all I had were buttons for Calculator, Stocks and Weather. But even still, I had the coolest phone on the planet. People begged to touch my iPhone. Not kidding, they literally begged. Oh how hey longed to hold that mystical combination of glass, aluminum, silicon bonded with that tiny magical butterfly kiss of AT&T in their hands, and... check my stocks.
Trust me, the disillusionment was mutual.
When Apple released the SDK for the iPhone, I was one of the first in line. Well, probably not first. Or second. Or second thousandth. But my friend (and former boss) beat me getting his first app into the... (Cue angelic harmony... What?? Seriously? Do I have to do everything myself?) WhooOooOoo.... Apple "App" Store.
To this day, I can't believe Jeff got 70% of my hard-earned ninety-nine cents for an app called "Armpit Farts". Do you hear me Jeff? I was just being nice when I bought that! After all, you had recently gotten laid off. You could use the extra... Oh wait, it's coming back to me... Our entire department got laid off.
After the armpit fart debacle, I had bigger fish to fry. Like trying to find a job. Fast forward three-point-something years to find me so jaded, so blasé, it's rare that I come across an app that makes me want to put one arm under my shirt and flap my other like a chicken. Until last weekend.
If you haven't already installed "Songify", I highly recommend it. This app records ordinary spoken words and attempts to make music from what it hears. It's smart enough to break up your words into chunks of phrases, mix and arrange them and somehow melodize them against your choice of background beat. It's brilliant and addictive.
I'd already annoyed the holy piss out of JB by following him around for two days converting his random, senseless blatherings into a format I found entertaining. That's how I came up with my first breakaway single: "Get That Thing The FUCK Outta My Face." Watch for it on the Country charts.
Now that I think about it, I'm starting to suspect the urgency of JB's six-day "emergency" trip.
So sitting at home tonight, painfully alone, I again fired up my Songify app. Not being imaginative enough to come up with my own musical fodder, I was momentarily entertained by reading random Wikipedia entries into my phone. That's how I got my B-side single, "Mouthbrooder". It's a song about fish and, trust me, the title is the best part.
I needed something more interesting. Something catchy. Then inspiration struck... I opened today's Nice to See StevieB blog post and read aloud the first two paragraphs. Two minutes later I was dancing to my finest work yet.
It's my privilege to introduce the North American debut of "White Duvet Cover". Please enjoy it in the spirit in which it was made. Loud and liquored up.
White Duvet Cover