Friday, September 30, 2011

Oral Intercourse

The exceptionally gifted Tony at West of Mayberry wrote a great post recently about dirty talk in the sack. (Speak Porno. Don't Listen.) After pausing for a while on "who else can hit you there?", I started thinking about the art of erotolalia. This may come as a surprise to some of you but between the sheets, Pac is a man of few words.

In fact, my vocabulary seems inversely proportional to my level of arousal. I consider myself lucky if by third base I still have access to the basics like "fuck", "yeah", "slower", "faster", "harder", "oops sorry about that" and "get off my balls". Beyond that my ability to vocalize devolves into a random series of grunts, moans, gasps, snorts and clicks. (Although I'm pretty sure that last one is my trick knee acting up.)

I could be cheeky and say it has to do with blood redistribution, but I'm not Tony. I guess talking dirty just isn't my thing. Now JB on the other hand... JB is a talker.

I always found it interesting how JB — who can't be bothered to read subtitles of a foreign film or the instructions on a bag of microwave popcorn — keeps drawers full of gay erotic novels. The ones with hundreds of pages and not one picture past the front cover. When it comes to porn, it seems our roles are reversed: I'm the one who wants to turn off all higher brain function and be spoon-fed. After all, if I were in the mood to work for my nutt, I'd be going after the real thing.

But I have to admit that once I started reading these stories, I was hooked. And as I continued to explore JB's trashy library, I began to experience déjà vu. That's when I realized where JB was picking up his distinctive coital commentary. Unless you're going to tell me "let daddy do the driving" is just a coincidence?

Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy filthy, nasty sex talk from my partner. Just as long as he doesn't make me feel obliged to reciprocate. In general I tend toward being a man of action rather than words.

That sounds more heroic than saying I'm ADD and not good at multitasking.

It's not the dirty talk itself that distracts me, it's the pressure of being put on the spot to think of what to say. I'd want whatever I say to be effective and appropriate to the moment without being cheesy, repetitive or cliché. I'd want my words to pack an erotic punch while still not offending any potential sensitivities my partner may have regarding his body image, gender notions, spiritual attitudes, ethnic stereotypes or mother. And I'd want to do this all while maintaining an erection.

Or I can just hand the keys to my animal hindbrain, cross my eyes and howl like a gorilla who got his bananas locked in a Samsonite. (Oh yeah, I had to reach way back for that one.)

At a bar a few years ago I hooked up with a hot guy who took me back to his place. Things got pretty intense and just as we hit the short strokes, he caught me completely off guard by shouting "SAY SOMETHING DIRTY!"

Sadly the moment was lost when the only thing that came to mind was, "You've got dust bunnies the size of cantaloupes under your bed?" No, I didn't say that.

I didn't say anything.


  1. Ah..but grunting, moans, gasps, and snorts are all an language on their own. Just like words, they are nothing more than sounds. All you need is a good interpreter. And thanks for the shout out!

  2. I'm more of a grunter/groaner myself.

  3. Dirty talking is an art and each guy is different on how they act and react. ...or if they participate. It's like other parts of sex, you have to anticipate how receptive they are to certain things.

    As for JB, I'm with him, I am all about the written word. It's no different than seeing a movie that was made from a book. You have your own visualization and now it can be ruined by the celluloid version for which it is now associated.

  4. I make quite a bit of noise during sex-- unless I'm worried about disturbing my neighbors or the guy in the next stall. I call it feedback, and some of it can get rather filthy.

    Like I told someone recently, I ain't no Prius, I make NOISE when I'm turned on!