Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Cruising Dreams

I've been reading with great interest the exploits of BosGuy who recently returned from a well-deserved Caribbean vacation cruise. And by "great interest", I mean jealous, catty spite. I've been dreaming of cruising the luxurious seas since 1978, the year little Pac's bedtime no longer conflicted with primetime.

"Hey Jon, does the cut of this uniform tucked into these boots gratuitously accentuate my package too?"
What an innocent time that was. Before I realized exactly why the easy camaraderie of Ponch and Jon made me feel funny... "down there". Before Bo and Luke taught me cousin love was only shameful in the North. Before I'd hear David Hasselhoff sing. Before I'd see David Hasselhoff eat.

Those halcyon days before Julie entered rehab, before Gopher joined the Republican Party, and long before I'd one day tune into VH-1 to find the influential role model of my tweenage years pointing his finger-guns at Carnie Wilson on Celebrity Fit Club.

"You gonna finish
that sandwich?"
Oh Isaac. What happened to you, man? You were my first, you know. Sure there've been others since then, way more than I care to admit. But only a few ever came close. I still compare all my bartenders to you my friend.

Thirty-four years of syndication finds me still living my nautical fantasies vicariously and episodically. But hopefully not for long. Inspired by reading BosGuy's adventures, I've decided it's time to start planning a cruise vacation of my very own. And I want to do it soon, before anyone can mistake me for Captain Stubing and ask for a tour of the bridge.

Now even this landlubber knows there are really only two options when it comes to booking a cruise: Do I want a gay cruise, or a really gay cruise?

BosGuy chose the latter, apparently, but me? I find myself conflicted. On the plus side, I'd feel more comfortable knowing I'm probably not only guy on the boat who gets a reflexive chubby when he hears "all hands on deck". And I've always wanted to use terms like "port", "starboard" and "sheepshank" in proper context without getting confused looks from my sex partner(s).

The down side of a gay cruise, as far as I can tell, would be the drama. If I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on an expensive vacation, I wanna milk it. So when it's over and I get back home, I want it to be all about me... my souvenir tee-shirts; my multi-media montage tastefully set to "In The Navy"; my rockin' tan lines or lack thereof; and – best of all – my dozen or more titillating and/or embarrassing anecdotes.

And when I'm telling my anecdotes, the last thing I want is to be constantly interrupted over and over again by people asking about that dude who went overboard.

Things I imagine overhearing on my cruise:

"No, silly, flip over. Remember,
starboard is the side which faces the sky."

"You brought him?? Doesn't this boat
have enough anchors?"

"Har-dee-har, very funny, but no.
I do not go down with the ship."

"Do the bears know we're abandoning ship??
Somebody check the buffet!"

"Atlantis? May as well just call it 'Atlanta'.
 All fores and no afts, if you know what I mean."

"Permission to promenade
on your poop deck, SIR?"

"Are we listhting? We're listhting, aren't we.
Quick, path me a life vestht!"

"Oh my! I want to be in that life boat."

"What is it lesbians just don't understand
about 'leave your baggage behind'?"

"Christ. First they stock the mini-bar
with 'sparkling wine', now this?"


  1. I vacationed via gay cruises for years. I feel it's the only way to vacation. The only thing you need to ask yourself is RSVP or Atlantis?

  2. Happy to talk to you about my experiences in more detail if you like. Gay cruises are not for everyone, but we had fun in part because of the group that joined us.