Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Where Was I?

Lasers can grow hair too? Who knew.
$695? Ouch! Do you have a smaller
model? You know, for balls?
I know I was going somewhere with that. I was working on a third and final installment of my treatise on the #JustinAndJeff saga, which ended with a solemn promise to stop beating that dead horse and move on. I had a rough draft and thought I was making good progress, but I think I missed my window of opportunity to tie my overall thesis up in a neat bow while making it both poignant and amusing.

In other words, I forgot the original point I was trying to make. Don't worry, it'll come back to me. Beside, I think there's still some life in that horse. Although it could just be gas escaping.

I've never been good at prioritizing. My projects and responsibilities are like my children to me; don't ask me to choose a favorite because I cherish them all equally. Which we all know is bullshit and Mom loved me best.

I hate the feeling I get when I sit down at my computer in the morning and weigh everything I want to accomplish against everything I need to accomplish. All this weighing makes me think about my weight. Then I wonder why I'm sitting at a computer when I should be exercising. So my ambitious blog post got pushed to the back burner while I took care of work and some other stuff.

For example, JB has been nagging me to update his website. Then I was asked to write an article for Sky magazine. Sounds impressive, doesn't it? Actually, I was asked to re-re-rewrite an article I'd ghostwritten for my ex and first submitted to Sky magazine over a year ago. This has helped me realize I don't like writing for editors. And that editors don't think much of me either. And that I need to learn how to say "no" to my friends.

I doubt I'll see the article in print, even if it finally gets used. I wish I could say it's an exciting tale of adventure or juicy, tell-all exposé. No, just some fluffernutter about Joe's collection of souvenir Oktoberfest beer steins. I really don't mind not getting a byline on an article no one will read. My consolation is that electronic devices are still prohibited during a substantial portion of each flight. That reduces the competition of alternative reading material to a catalog full of ridiculous, overpriced crap and the safety instruction card for the Boeing 757-200.

SkyMall Exclusive!
Astound and alarm guests at your next Polynesian luau
with this excessive, heavyweight, six-foot-tall King Moai,
inspired by the 380 A.D. Easter Island originals. Said
to represent gods, ancestors, or other such nonsense,
this exclusive replica features the ethnic nose, huge
lips and dangly ears of its castaway cousins.

This garish display of cultural insensitivity and
tragically skewed priorities with a South Seas flair
is cast in quality designer resin with a rough, chiseled
faux stone finish. Guaranteed to last and last, this giant
plastic head will still look ancient long after your children
have put you in a home and paid Fred Sanford's great-great
grandson twenty bucks just to haul the thing away.

Do not expose to moisture, direct sunlight, detergents,
or women who are pregnant or ever wish to become pregnant.
Do not use within 200 feet of tiki torches.
$995 + shipping & handling.

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