Fancy Pants

Farewell bavarian short shorts.
Look for them on Craig's List under
"Leather / CBT Gear."
 (No fatties.)

I'm going on vacation tomorrow!

This might not sound like a big deal, but it's my first proper vacation since I started my current job four years ago. So naturally, I was excited to get started packing and preparing. On Sunday, I pulled some boxes out of storage and tried on my old lederhosen.

This was when I made an upsetting discovery. With my friend Joe looking on in amusement, I realized my lederhosen shrank. Okay. I admit I may have put on a pound or two since I last wore them to Oktoberfest five years ago. And even then they were a bit snug in the crotch.

But with Joe smirking as I inhaled to pull the last zipper home, I realized there was no way I was going to wear these skin tight cow hide shorts in public.

"Sure you can..." Joe laughed. "Look how they show off your package!"

Crushed testicles notwithstanding, I am not about to walk around Munich in a pair of Fräulein Dukes.

---

Before my first trip to Munich for Oktoberfest back in 2003, I never dreamed I'd ever wear lederhosen. Even if you grant they're far from the most repugnant German uniform of all time, they're just so... Sound-of-Musicy.

But my mind started to change after spending time in close quarters with so many handsome men in their traditional bavarian garb. I started to see that lederhosen can be downright sexy.

And very practical too, as their convenient design allows almost instant penis access. While this feature is primarily necessitated by the amounts of beer the wearer typically consumes, after discovering how much fun could be had by simply lowering the crotch flap I was hooked.

More than anything else, this subway billboard inspired
me to buy my first pair of short lederhosen.

On the second day of Oktoberfest, there's an entire tent full of
thousands of gays in lederhosen. I'll be seeing you boys Sunday.

So, ignoring my mother's best advice, I caved to the combined pressures of conformity and alcohol and decided to invest in a pair. And I do mean "invest". These aren't something you pick up in the costume aisle at Party City. A decently crafted pair of lederhosen can set you back two to three hundred dollars, and easily more. That's a lot for a fancy pair of pants I'll wear maybe once a year. And that's assuming they don't, uh, shrink.

I considered shopping for a new pair of lederhosen upon arriving in Munich, but that would just waste time that will be much better spent at the Hofbräuhaus. And I'd think shopping for lederhosen in Munich on the day before Oktoberfest would be about as much fun as going to Walmart on Christmas Eve.

It doesn't matter how gay you are,
just say no to... these.

So on Monday I went online and found what looked to be a decent pair of lederhosen at a reasonable price from an eBay vendor that offered overnight shipping. Twenty-four hours later, my new leather hosiery arrived at my door. They looked gorgeous! And tiny.

Sure enough, my calf wouldn't even fit through the leg opening. In a panic I dialed the enclosed phone number and explained to the nice lady that I ordered size 34 waist, just like my jeans. The nice lady laughed at me. Twenty-four more hours later, size 38 arrived at my door.

I love my new fancy pants. And thanks to a lace in the back which can be loosened to let out more waist, they're future-proof!

They just arrived in the nick of time. And they fit!
Stevie B calls them "pedal pushers", but I'm clinging
to the belief that in Munich these will be considered
masculine and will get me laid for sure.

I'll have more pics of the full outfit later.