Monday, October 29, 2012

Horny Halloween

Can't I have a horn on my head
and be happy to see you?
I've always enjoyed Halloween. From the first time I put on a cheap plastic mask (the kind held on with elastic string) and scored free candy, I was hooked.

I realize I'm now far too old to go trick-or-treating for free stuff. Mature adults spend big bucks on costumes and go pub-crawling.

On Friday night, JB and I went to a costume party. It was an OTP* shindig put on by one of JB's flight-attendant girlfriends. JB went as an Alpine Ricola Yodeler in an attempt to gain some meager return on his Oktoberfest lederhosen investment. As I had just got home from work and didn't feel like putting in any actual effort, I simply put on my new unicorn mask. If anyone asked I was a "business casual unicorn".

Not a costume. Just
how people dress OTP.
(*OTP = Outside The Perimeter, the Perimeter being the 285 Interstate which circles Atlanta. For us in-towners, the Perimeter serves as a demarcation between "urban" and "suburban" verging on "Deliverance".)

I knew I was OTP when striking up a conversation with a guy dressed up as a burglar. After a bit of smalltalk ("hehe, business casual unicorn") he judged the party "awesome" based solely on the fact that there wasn't one "babe" in the entire condo clubhouse he wouldn't fuck. This prompted me to make an objective scan of the party guests and conclude Mr. Burglar's bar probably wasn't set too high to begin with. A real burglar would have avoided a room filled with female cops, no matter how sluttily they were dressed.

Another man who was dressed as a prison convict (or an inebriated zebra with precision stripes) asked me if I was dressed as "a Democrat". I don't know if he was serious or trying to be funny. "See this horn?? Donkey's don't have horns, wise guy. What are you anyway? Let me guess... a republican caught evading taxes?"

JB pretending not to know the
culturally insensitive unicorn.
My mask offered a very limited field of vision, so if I wasn't carefully avoiding furniture and Oompa-Loompas, I tended to remain stationary and take in the activity around me. At one point I realized I was surrounded by slutty cops on their hands and knees with a roll of paper towels. Evidently the cooler I was standing near had sprung a leak and I was unaware I was standing in a widening puddle. This prompted jokes about the unicorn not being housebroken. I advised them to save those soggy paper towels since unicorn piss fetches almost as much as ground unicorn horn on the Chinese black market.

This is when I remembered the host and half the guests were Chinese. Through my left nostril I could see JB roll his eyes. I knew what the topic of discussion was going to be in the car all the way back into the Perimeter. Business Casual Unicorn can never catch a break.

Checking the latest going rate for Unicorn urine on the black market.
There's an app for that.




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