Friday, February 8, 2013

Hungry As A Snake On Valentine's Day

Maybe it's an old wives tale, but I remember hearing somewhere that snakes can go an entire year without eating. As long as they get one big thing to swallow whole, they're perfectly happy spending the rest of the year digesting it. But once that baby pig's pooped out, you don't want to be anywhere near that snake's feeding end.

Evidently, this is a quality that snakes have in common with straight human females. No, I'm not talking about eating habits; human females must consume food daily. The commonality is that it only takes a single gesture of romance and appreciation to sustain a woman's love for an entire year.

That's the marketing message behind Valentine's Day, isn't it?

But heaven help the man near her feeding end if it isn't a one hell of a gesture.

You have to give The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. some credit here.
Not only are they stoking the man's typical last-minute shopping panic, this
commercial also subliminally targets his innate insecurity and fear of inadequacy.
Done skillfully by interjecting frames of an attractive woman holding out
a ruler judgmentally.

Flowers? Really? Rookie mistake.
They'll only remind her of her swiftly vanishing youth and the inevitability of death.

Chocolates say "I love you..." (awkward pause) " matter how fat you get."

Go big or go masturbate to internet porn.
Seriously, it could have gone either way here. The creepy wink toward the camera
 is all the thanks the good folks at The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. really need.
That, and your credit card number and expiration date.

Has anyone told the gays that even after marriage, you still have to pay for sex?
They might want to know that.

"Oh Stan... he's adorable! And the box with the diamond earrings is in his head, right?"
(rriiiiiip!) "No, not in his head. In his body cavity then?" (rriiiiiip!) "Wow that's a lot
of stuffing. Oh, you stinker! It's in one of his limbs, isn't it?" (rriiiiiip!) ...

Like anyone really wants a full-scale Zach Galifianakis doll for Valentine's Day.
Wait...   Is that couple making a bear sandwich?

I just may need to rethink this whole "bring a bear home for Valentine's" thing. 

1 comment:

  1. Or you could do what I do and always somehow manage to be single on Valentines day, so I never have to give any presents.