Friday, March 1, 2013

I Just Wanna Sleep, The Love Mattress

I'm still committed to finishing my responses to Just A Jeep Guy's TMI Questions about sleep.

6. What size is your bed and what kind of mattress is it?

It's a plain old Serta Perfect Sleeper queen-size mattress. Emphasis on the "old". I bought it slightly used from a cute guy I hooked up with at a bar one night. After doing it on his mattress on the floor, he explained he'd barely begun furnishing his new apartment when his company offered him a long-term assignment in Europe. I'd been feeling self-conscious about entertaining company on my once-groovy 80's waterbed, so I gave him a hundred bucks and he gave me a ride home with my new mattress and box spring strapped to the roof of his car.

JB hates that story, and by transference, the mattress. He freaks out every time one of those commercials comes on to tell us our mattress has quadrupled in weight due to various excretions, secretions, exfoliations and microscopic critters. As if the bed frame might collapse any minute under the strain. The commercials are selling mattresses of course.

I prefer to think of the old Serta as laden with memories. But every time JB comes home from a layover he talks about some new, comfy mattress he met. This has only gotten worse since hotel chains have discovered selling mattresses as a new revenue stream. Now he comes home with brochures.

If it were the normal unintended byproduct of an illicit one-night stand, the Serta would now be a senior in high school. Put in those terms, I suppose I'm open to the idea of shopping for a new mattress. And I'd be pretty dumb not to defer to JB's extensive mattress experience. He already made it known a Sleep Number bed is out of the question. Evidently had had a bad experience with a hotel Sleep Number. Something about the front desk laughing at him when he called down for tech support. I wasn't really paying attention.

7. Do you eat in bed?

Good god, no. I addressed this in a previous post. ("Happy Gays and Bread Crumbs Always Get Me Down")

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