Thursday, February 28, 2013

I Just Wanna Sleep, Part 3

I've been reminded that TMI questions aren't necessarily a blog challenge. That said, I've never successfully completed a blog challenge either. So here are more answers to Just A Jeep Guy's TMI Questions about sleep.

4. Lots of blankets or just one?

This is yet another question where JB and I differ. I'm happy with one blanket, heavier or lighter depending on the ambient temperature. JB likes the whole sheet-blanket-comforter-coverlet(?)-pillow-sham-dust-ruffle ensemble, tight and neat, irrespective of the season.

I was never much of a bed-maker. When it came to teaching me the skills required to be a well-adjusted, contributing adult member of society, my mother had bigger fish to fry. I'd make my bed if I was tidying up or expecting company, but otherwise I'd find it at night like I left it in the morning. JB is completely anal about making the bed. Forget finding me in bed with another man (although I'm sure that would be bad too), I cringe at the thought of JB coming home from work early and finding the bed unmade. It happened exactly once many years ago and he still talks about it.

So now that I make the bed daily we hit another point of contention. One that would be moot if we used plain, solid-colored sheets, but we never do. When making the bed, JB feels the top flat sheet should go printed side facing up. I make the bed with the printed side down. I try to logically explain my position: that you only ever see the top sheet when turning down the covers, and when you do, you want to see the printed side. We've agreed to disagree and leave sheet orientation at the discretion of the bed-maker.

5. Do you hog the blankets?


If you're still awake, be sure to stay tuned for my riveting answers to the remaining questions:
6. What size is your bed and what kind of mattress is it?
7. Do you eat in bed?
8. What kind of sleeper are you?
9. What is under your bed?

Friday, February 22, 2013

I Just Wanna Sleep, Part 2

My continuation of yesterday's post in response to Just A Jeep Guy's TMI Questions about sleep.

2. Who or what sleeps with you at night?

Since JB is a flight attendant, there are sporadic random intervals when I get the bed to myself. When we first got together I graciously ceded the right side of the bed rather than making a fuss over who sleeps where. So now I sleep on the left when he's home and on the right when he's flying.

I tell him that I sleep on his side of the bed when he's away because I miss him and it helps me feel closer to him. I think that sounds better than saying I'm acting out my passive-aggressive resentment over the lingering consequences of a decision I made fifteen years ago to be considerate to the one random sleep-over trick who stuck.

When JB and I moved into our first apartment together, he decreed the bedroom to be off-limits to my cats. I think he associated free-range kittens with the bohemian squalor of my former apartment. I had to harden my heart to their scratching at the bedroom door. One day I came home from work early to find JB napping all snuggly in bed with both kitties. I remember wondering how long that had been going on.

Since that day the bed has been open to all species, with the brothers coming and going throughout the night as cats do. Occasionally we're awakened by one of their UFC bouts, but a quick leg thrust usually ejects one or both champions from the octagon.

A few months ago JB bought new pillows at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Since then the fat cat has taken to wanting to share my pillow with me and I, being the bigger pussy, allow it. I just wish he'd sleep with his head facing mine. The other night I dreamed I grew a thick, manly Magnum P.I. mustache only to wake up to another tail sanchez.

3. Do you like a cold room or a hot room?

I have a wider comfort zone than JB. He prefers it cold. He also has slept with a fan blowing every single night since day one. This is something we did argue about at first but I, being the bigger pussy, gave in. He makes the convincing argument that the fan is carefully aimed to propel its high-velocity vortex with laser precision only at him.

I've adjusted to having the fan running when he's home. And when he's away I revel in the peaceful stillness. Until Lazlo* next door turns his TV too loud. And Sebastiano from 307 decides to give his jerseylicous Corvette its weekly midnight timing-belt adjustment. And Crazy Kim upstairs realizes the reason she can't sleep is because she only vacuumed an odd number of times that day.

And I turn on the fan. Please don't tell JB.

* His name probably isn't Lazlo. He just reminds me of the guy who lived in the closet in the movie Real Genius.

If you're still awake, be sure to stay tuned for my riveting answers to the remaining questions:
4. Lots of blankets or just one?
5. Do you hog the blankets?
6. What size is your bed and what kind of mattress is it?
7. Do you eat in bed?
8. What kind of sleeper are you?
9. What is under your bed?

Thursday, February 21, 2013

I Just Wanna Sleep, Part 1

After reading Jim's Stuff blog today I decided to join the fun answering Just A Jeep Guy's TMI Questions. Sean's latest topic is "Sleep", which I found interesting because so many of my answers are influenced by my relationship. Some of these I would have answered differently when I was single, and some depend on whether JB is at home or away.

I'm breaking my long-winded answers into a series of posts. Yes, I'm aware that the "too much" in T.M.I. refers to the juiciness of the information and not so much the actual quantity of it. But I enjoy taking things too literally.

Question 1: What do you wear to bed?

I know it's not the sexiest answer, but I'm a jammie guy. Usually a t-shirt and loose athletic shorts when it's warm and classic flannel during cold spells. There are a couple reasons for this.

Evidently approximately 300 people can't see directly
into our home because, you know, it's dark outside.
First, JB hates keeping the blinds and drapes closed, even at night. I'll close them only to turn around and find them open again. Since our condo is on the first level facing a courtyard and half a dozen high-rises, it sometimes feels like living in a fishbowl. One of our neighbors related that before becoming acquainted, we were simply referred to us as "the underwear guys."

I once asked JB if he's an exhibitionist, but he didn't know what that was. So when I asked if he enjoyed showing off his naked body to strangers, his response ("you think people can see me?") indicated he may think he's invisible. Oddly, he shuts the blinds tightly when dressing during the day. This leads me to believe he doesn't understand how light works. Thank god he looks good.

My second reason for wearing pj's is because I like to be cautiously prepared for late-night emergencies. This – along with whittling tiny race cars from blocks of wood and a flair for neckerchiefs – is what sticks with me from Boy Scouts.

On the occasions I do wake up naked, it's usually a side-effect of my debilitating post-orgasmic narcolepsy disorder. (When will the sufferers of POND get our telethon?)

If you're still awake, be sure to stay tuned for my riveting answers to the remaining questions:
2. Who or what sleeps with you at night?
3. Do you like a cold room or a hot room?
4. Lots of blankets or just one?
5. Do you hog the blankets?
6. What size is your bed and what kind of mattress is it?
7. Do you eat in bed?
8. What kind of sleeper are you?
9. What is under your bed?

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Daylight Cravings Time

This is the time of the year I become obsessed with light. And calendars and the relative motion of Earth and the Sun. Logically I know that Spring is coming, but I need more than that. I want tangible evidence.

That's why I was pleased to notice this week that my commute home is becoming more twilighty and less midnighty. The sun today is setting 20 minutes later than when February started, and a full hour later than it did at the Winter Solstice. The daytime to nighttime ratio is rapidly increasing by nearly 2 minutes each day.

The Spring Equinox comes officially a month from today. But Daylight Saving Time starts over a week before that, on March 10th. That's the point I expect my longing for daylight to ease, and my daily visits to will slow to a trickle for another year.

I think I'd probably make a good pagan. I'll have to look into that.

Monday, February 18, 2013

What's Up Your Engine Block, Doc?

It seems my suspicions regarding the motives of "cute" bunny rabbits have finally been confirmed, as news from Denver indicates the cuddly critters have taken to vandalizing automobiles parked at the airport.

In what is obviously a gang-related attack – perhaps even the first wave of a coordinated strike against our traditional human values and way of life – rabbits have been climbing into engine compartments and chewing through cables, belts and hoses. One can only presume their goal is to trap unwary red-eye travelers in the parking lot, where they are hunted for sport, robbed of their iPhones and slowly nipped to shreds.

The report further relates how panicky Denver residents have resorted to protecting themselves against the ferociously adorable rodents by dousing their rides and even their children in coyote urine. As a result, the price of coyote piss (known on the street as "C-Pee" and "Wile-E-Gold") has skyrocketed, creating concerns of price-gouging, a growing black market and rampant consumer fraud in this largely unregulated product sector.

I attempted to verify this alarming story through my Denver contact, StevieB...

There has been no further word from Stevie. All we can do now is pray.

In other health news, there is a nation-wide shortage of rabies vaccine. Officials point to Colorado, where hospitals report a spike in emergency room admissions due to coyote bites and scratches.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Hungry As A Snake On Valentine's Day

Maybe it's an old wives tale, but I remember hearing somewhere that snakes can go an entire year without eating. As long as they get one big thing to swallow whole, they're perfectly happy spending the rest of the year digesting it. But once that baby pig's pooped out, you don't want to be anywhere near that snake's feeding end.

Evidently, this is a quality that snakes have in common with straight human females. No, I'm not talking about eating habits; human females must consume food daily. The commonality is that it only takes a single gesture of romance and appreciation to sustain a woman's love for an entire year.

That's the marketing message behind Valentine's Day, isn't it?

But heaven help the man near her feeding end if it isn't a one hell of a gesture.

You have to give The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. some credit here.
Not only are they stoking the man's typical last-minute shopping panic, this
commercial also subliminally targets his innate insecurity and fear of inadequacy.
Done skillfully by interjecting frames of an attractive woman holding out
a ruler judgmentally.

Flowers? Really? Rookie mistake.
They'll only remind her of her swiftly vanishing youth and the inevitability of death.

Chocolates say "I love you..." (awkward pause) " matter how fat you get."

Go big or go masturbate to internet porn.
Seriously, it could have gone either way here. The creepy wink toward the camera
 is all the thanks the good folks at The Vermont Teddy Bear Co. really need.
That, and your credit card number and expiration date.

Has anyone told the gays that even after marriage, you still have to pay for sex?
They might want to know that.

"Oh Stan... he's adorable! And the box with the diamond earrings is in his head, right?"
(rriiiiiip!) "No, not in his head. In his body cavity then?" (rriiiiiip!) "Wow that's a lot
of stuffing. Oh, you stinker! It's in one of his limbs, isn't it?" (rriiiiiip!) ...

Like anyone really wants a full-scale Zach Galifianakis doll for Valentine's Day.
Wait...   Is that couple making a bear sandwich?

I just may need to rethink this whole "bring a bear home for Valentine's" thing. 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The Stages Of Upgrading

On Sunday I found myself once again in the Apple Store. What a weird place. It's always packed, although at least a quarter of the crowd seem to be employees. It's loud, brightly lit and the "bar" doesn't serve drinks. Don't even bother asking.

We were there because JB cracked the screen on his iPhone on Saturday. Somehow I got the blame for this senseless tragedy. Predictably, my recollection of events is much different than his.

JB had an appointment for a haircut at 4pm. I wasn't looking forward to sitting there waiting for him to get his hair did, and when we were having trouble finding a parking space in the small, busy lot, I made a suggestion. I'll take the car to the gay restaurant around the corner, and when he's done with his appointment he can walk over and join me at the bar.

Flustered by the last-second change of plans, JB relaxed his grip on his phone somewhere between my jumping in the drivers seat and peeling away. See? Clearly my fault. As JB waited for his stylist, he cycled through his grief stages by baring his soul to Facebook -- as best he could considering his shattered screen. This lead everyone to conclude he'd just gotten carjacked.

Evidently the stages of iPhone grief depend on whether or not you're eligible for an upgrade.

  1. Denial       --->      Denial
  2. Anger       --->      Anger
  3. Bargaining       --->      Blaming Pac on Facebook
  4. Depression       --->      Demand Pac go halfsies on upgrade fee
  5. Acceptance       --->      Apple Store

So now the Jumping Bean has a new iPhone 5. He's been spending a lot of time conversing with Siri. He has her send me incomprehensible text messages, which he thinks is just hysterical.

Wow, what an abusive bastard I sound like.