Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Pac's Pax

I never did post about my adventure in Atlanta's 2-inch "blizzard". It was two weeks ago today and I was at my office outside the I-285 perimeter (OTP) when the snow started falling around noon. My initial gut reaction was "I must flee!" Which was pretty much the exact same reaction of every single commuter in the Greater Atlanta Metropolitan Area at that exact same second.

After nearly an hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I made it as far as the other side of the office park. Having done the math (you're looking at Captain of the Flat Rock Elementary Story Problem Team, grades five and six) I didn't exactly relish the idea of spending the night in my car. So I took the opportunity to turn back into my office complex and park the car, all the while managing to evade the intrepid reporters from The Weather Channel. Which isn't as easy as it sounds considering we share a parking garage with The Weather Channel. Okay, so they're maybe not that intrepid.

In an ironic twist that makes car-pooling impractical, my BFF Julie works 250 feet from my condo in Midtown while I work just a couple blocks from her house ten miles to the north. Luckily for me, Julie has the kind of can-do Minnesotan perseverance and pseudo-lesbian balls* that can mush a Prius like an Iditarod sled. She braved the conditions and made it home in only three hours.

"Come over!" Julie texted.

"Now? They're showing Netflix
movies in the conference room."

"You can sleep on my couch."

"But my back-from-retirement coworker
is going to teach us how to play Bridge."

"I have alcohol."

"I'll be right there."

I was a little apprehensive about walking in the dark amidst panicky, out-of-control drivers. It turned out I had little to fear. Most of the cars on the road were abandoned, and the few that had drivers were stationary while making that "ZZZZZzzzZZZzzz" sound of rubber spinning on ice. I managed to push one motorist a few dozen feet until I realized she was expecting me to push her all the way home. With apologies, I said "this is my stop, good luck!" I hope she's okay.

And that's how I spent two nights OTP with my BFF. By Thursday the side streets around Julie's house were still a luge run, but the interstate was clear enough to make it home.

This morning, as I stare down my two last days of work before I fly to Miami for our Big Gay Cruise vacation, winter storm Pax is bearing down on Atlanta. The schools are closed but they say it's not supposed to get really bad until this evening. Call me a pussy, but I'll be working from home. I don't want to stray too far from my suitcases. In case I must flee.

As I typed this, every iPhone in the house
started buzzing the same dire message.

I knew everything would go wrong!

Coincidentally, yesterday was the final day of my prepared meal plan.
Who'll be looking all slim and trim on his cruise? That's right, this guy!
I'll be the one making face-down salmon mousse angels on the buffet.

(* Not the same thing as "lesbian pseudo-balls".)


  1. You have missed your calling being this so-called Engineer. Engineers can't "write", that's why they're engineers.

  2. Our 'Clusterflake 2014' vacation made 'Clusterflake, the sequel' kind of lonely. Next time, I stay in Midtown so I too can knock on the doors of closed bars until they open for me.

  3. Yeah, your winter has sucked balls. Not as much as ours has, but at least we sort of expect ball sucking here.