Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Groom And Gloom

I think I've reached a crossroads in my beard experiment. Now that some of my whiskers are nearing two inches, I'm feeling pressure to either trim it back drastically or shave it off completely. Pressure from JB, that is. And those guys from Duck Dynasty.

But I've also received encouragement to keep it growing, some of it from unlikely sources. There's a woman at work that keeps touching it. I'd take it up with HR if I wasn't so starved for validation at home.

I've also discovered that maintenance increases proportionally with length. Beard trimming, conditioning and fluffing now dominates my morning grooming ritual. I've had to cut back on flossing and ear-hair patrol to make it to work on time.

I now have to make a conscious effort to nap on my back to avoid "bed beard". And try as I might, I can't seem to stop disheveling myself with absent-minded stroking. This prompted me last week to buy an office comb on my lunch hour. A comb. I haven't spent money on my own comb since my hair grew back from the Flat Rock Elementary Picture Day Louse Pandemic of 1980.

And the other day I actually caught myself saying, "Not in the beard! Not in the beard!"

Yes, it might be time for a clean shave.


  1. The goatee looks really good. You might wanna invest in an electric beard and mustache trimmer. Those work wonders!

  2. First off - you KNOW they gave you a free comb for your elementary picture day (and 1980? well, fuck off!). Secondly, w your work 'transition' HR is not helping anyone w this kind of issue. Lastly, I've never had bed beard. I'm not sure this is a real thing.

  3. Keep it!

    Oh... and I like the VPL! ;)