Thursday, June 19, 2014

ASCII Pr0n

What Scruff would look like now if Steve Jobs had never been born...


                                                                                                              .  .......
                                                                                                                        
                      ...'''';::clooc;..                                                                                
                   .':oododdxkkkO0KKK00kdl:.                                                                            
                .:lddxdoxxkkkO0O00KKKKKKKK00d;.                                                                         
             .;oxdddddxkkkO00K0K00Ok00KKKKXXXKKk:.                                                                      
           ,ldxddxxkkkkkkkO0OkdodkdodOO0KKKXXXXXKKx:                                                                    
         'dkOOOOOOkkkxxxxkkxolclll;,;ldxO00KKKXXKKKKo.                                                                  
       .lk0KKKX0OOkOOO0Oko:,,',,'....;oxxkO0000KOOO0K0c                                                                 
      .d0KXXNNNK00Okkkdl:,...........':oxxxkOkxxxxxxkkkd'                                                               
      oXXNNNWWNXK0kdol:;,.............,:loodxxdodxkkxddol                                                               
     .KNNNWWWNNK0kkolc;,'............';:coolodooooxxddoll;                                                              
     dXWNNNWNNX0kxxl::;''............';cloolclllclloddxdloc                                                             
    dNNWNNWWNXKOxdoc:;,''...............',,;:::::clllodl;,c'                                                            
   .KNNNWNWNNX0Oxol:;;;,'....................';;;::cll;.,coc,.                                                          
   .lXWWWWWWXKOxdlc:::;;,,,;:lodlc:;,'.........,;;:c:,..'..;c'                                                          
    .:KWWWWWXOxdllccclccldkKXK0kdc;,''...........,:cc,..'....'.                                                         
      .dXNNWXkdddooolcoxOKK00OOO00OOdc:,..........';c;..lxl,...                                                         
        ,o0XNkdxxkkkko:coxxO0KXXXKxc,..............,:::,.';;...                                                         
          .,lxkOKXNXKO:...'cdkOOkd:,'..............;:c:;.......                                                         
             .0NXKKKKO;.......',,;;;,'............';cll:'....':                                                         
              ;xkOKNN0;............''.............;:loocc;'..c:                                                         
               .;ONXX0;.........''''.............':ooolllllldd.                                                         
                 ,kkOk;.........':c:;''.........,;lxkxxdxdoodd.                                                         
                  codd:;,'.;dOko:',;c:,''.....',:cdkkOkkkkkdlo,                                                         
                  'lddddddoxdool:,'',,;,,''''',:coxOOOOOOkkxodo.                                                        
                   cddxkO0XXXXK0Ododxkxxd:,',;cloxO000000Okdoc::.                                                       
                   .ldxkO0NNNNK0OOxO00KKK0xc:lxxkO0K000000Okxl,,:.                                                      
............       .,odxOKNNK0O000kddl::lddddxk00KKXKKXXXKKOkl'.............. ........                                  
.....''.:xc,'.      .oxxkKNKKKK0xlc:;;;;;:clxkO0KKXXXXXNXNXKO:.............         .......                             
...'....'c,''.     ..cO0kONXXK0OOkxkkxdollldO00KKXKXXXNNNX0dc,............                .......                       
''','......',.     .'lxOXKXNX000KKKK0Odlc:lkO000KKKXNXKKK0d:,''...............           .....   .....                  
'''',,,,'''',.      .;lOXXXNNKKKKKK00Oxddxk0000O0KKKK000ko;,''......................    ......       .........          
',',''''''',,.      .;dO0KXNWWNXKKK0000000000000K0000Okkc;,,''................................       . .........        
....'',,,,,,,'      .;:okKXNNWWNNNXKKXXKK000K0KNNXKKKOd:;;,'''..................................  .................     
......,,,,,,,'       .'co0XNNNNNNXXXNNNNKX0O0K0KXXK0Ooc:;;;,'''.........    ........................................    
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',;::,,,,,,,,,        ..,o0KXXXKKKXXXXNNNNNXK0000Okdolc:::::;,'''''.................................................''. 
cll:;,,,,,,,,,..     .':ldkOOKKKKKXXNXXXNNXXXX0OOkkxxdolllcc:;,'''''..................................''''','''......',.
lc;;,,,,,,,,,,......':loddxkO0000KXXXXXKKKK00000Okxxxdolloolc;,'..................................'''''',,;;;;,,'''''',,
:;;;;;;;;,'........:loodxxxkkOOO00KKKKK00000000OOkdolllcccll:;'...................................''',',,,,;;;;,,,,''',,
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cc:,............',;lodxxxxxxkkkkOOO00000000OOOkxdolc:;,'...''''......................................'''''',,,,,;;,,,,,;
'..........',;:clllloddxkkxxxxxkkkkOOOOOkxxddollcc::;;,''...''...''''.................................''',,,;;;;,;;;;;;;
.........';ldd;,'':loddxxxxkxxxxxxxkkxxddolcc:;;;;;,,,,,''''''..''''''''...............................'',;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
;'...'';lxOOxc'...'loodddddxdddxxxxxdddoolc:;;;;,,,'''''''.............................................'',;;;;;;;;::::;;
ll:;;cdkOko;......'cllllllllooooodddoollc:::;;;;,,''...................................................'',;cc::::::::::;
ccloxOOd;........,:cccccccccllllooolllcc::;;;;;,,,''....................................................'',lxoc:::::::;;
cdO0Od:'.......,:::::::::::cccclllllcc:::;;;;,,,,,''....................................................'',:kxlc::;;;;;;
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:cccccccooc,''...'::::::::::;;;;;;;;;;;,;;,,,,','''....'..........',''''''............................''',,;xkxdoolccc::
clllloddc;,,,,;;;::cc::::::;;;;;;,;,,,,,,,,,''''''''''''..''......',;,;;,'''..........................''',,:OOOkxdollccc
lllooo:;,;;:::c::::cccccc:::;;;;,,,,,,,,,,,'''''''''''......'...'',,;:;;;,,,''''......................''',;l000Okxddollc
c::;;;;;::ccc:::::clodollcc::;;;,,,,,,,,,,,,,''''''''''.''''...'',,,;;;:;;;,,''''....................''',,;xKKK00Okxdool
:;;;;::ccclc:;::::clx0kdolc:::;;,,,,,,,,,,,'''''''''..''''''''.',;;,;;;:;::;,,'''''.................'''',;cKKKKK00Okxddo
ol:::clllc::::::::clk00kxolc::;;;;;,,,,,,,',''''','''''....''''',,;;,;:::::;;;,,,,,'''''''''''''''''''',,;xXXKKKK00Okxxx
kxooooll:::;;;;;;::ld0X0Oxolcc::;;;;;,,,,,,,'''','''''....''''''',,;,;ccccc:::;;;;,,,,,,;,,,,,''','',,,,;;ONXXKKKKK00Okk
Okkxdol:;;,,,,,,,,;;lkXK0kdollcc::;;;;,,,,,,,,,,,''''''''''''''''',,,;clollcclc:c:::;;;;;;;;;,,,,,,,,,,;;;oXNXXKKKKK000O
OOkxolc;,,,'''''''',;ckNKOkdoollcc:::;;;;;;;;;,,,,,,,,,'''''''''.'',,;:ldoooooolodoc::::::::;;:;;;;;;;;::::kNXXXKKKKKKKK
0Oxdlc,,'''''''''''',,:kX0Okxdoollcc::::::;;;,,,,,,,,,,,,,'',''''',;;:clodxxxdxddxxdlcccccccccc::::::cclcl;lXNNXXXXXXXKK
0kdo:,,,''''''''''''',,:OX00Okxddollcccc::::;;;;;;;;;;;,,,,,,,',,,;:::coddkkkkkxxxxxxdooooololllclccoookkl;;ONNNNNNNNXXK
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WMWd:;;,,,,'''''',,,,,;;:oKNKK000Okxdddoooooolllccccc::c::::cc:ccllloloooodkkOO000KK000000OOO0O0000Ok:::::::xNNNXXXKK00O
WWxc:;;;,;,,,,,,,,,,,;;;:l0NNXK000OkxxxddddddoooolllllllllllcllllooddooolloxxxkOOO00KKKKKKKXXKKK0Oxxd:::c:ccxNNXXXKKK000
Xkcc::;;;;;;,,,,,,,,,;;::oKNNNXKK00OOOkkkkOkxxddddoodooooolloddxxxkxdolllloddddddxxkOOOOOOO00OOkxxdddc::ccccxNNXXXKKK000
Xxccc:::;;;;;;;;;;;;;;::cdKXXXXKKK000000OOOOkkOxxxxxddxddxddxkOO0Okdllccloolooooodddddxxxxxxxxxdoooddl::ccccdXNXXXXKKK00
xdolcc:::::;;;;;;;;;;::cldlxKXXKKKKKK000000OOkOkkkxxxxxxkkkO0000OxolccccclolloollolllllllloooolllloooocccclldKNXXXXKKK00
oddollccc:::::::::;:::cldo::OKXXXKKKKKKKKKK00OOOOkkkkkOkO00KKK0Oxollccccclllooooollllccccccccccccllooolclclld0NNNXXXKKK0
doxddollccc:::::::::cclodc::xKXXXXXXXXXNNNXXK0OOOO0O00KKKKKKK0kxdolllllllllodddddoollcccc:::::::cllooooclllldOXNNXXXXKKK
ddxxxddoollcc::::::cclldllddxKXXXXXXXXXNKXXXXKKKXXXXXXXKKKK0OkxddollllllloooddddddoooolllcccccccclooooolllllxO0NNNXXXXKK
kxdxxdddolllcccccccccldoclllkKXXNNNXXXXXXXXNNXXXXXXXXXXKK00kxxdddolllllolooodddddxddddooolllcccclldooodlolooxOOXNNNXXXKK
kxdoloooolllllcccccllodccllx0KXXNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXXXXXKKKK0OkxxxxdddololoooooodxddxdddxddddolllllllooooodoooooxOO0WNNXXKKK
kxdolllllllllllllllooxlllodOKXXXXNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXKKKK00Okkxxxxdddooooolooooddddxxxxxxxxxddoollloooooodooooox0OOXNNXXKKK
kxolllllllllllllloodxollloO0KXXXXXNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXKKKKK00OOkkkxxxddooooooooooodddddxxxxxddddoolloooolodxddoddx000KWNXXKKK
xxolllooollllloooodxxllllx0KKXXXXNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXKKKK00OOkkkxxdddooooooooooodddddxxxxdddoooolllllllodxdddddk000KNNNXKKK
xdoolllloooooloooddxoloooOKKXXXXNNNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXKKK00OOkkxxxdddddooooooooodddxddxdddddooollllccllodxdddddk0000XWNXKKK
xdooolllooooooooddxdooood0KKXXXXXXNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXKKK00OOkkkkxxdddddooooooooodxdddddddoooolllcccclloxxxxdddkKK00KWNXKKK


I'm quite relieved, actually. I wasn't sure I could still pleasure myself to completion without a broadband connection and functioning graphics card.


Thursday, June 12, 2014

Fanning The Flaming

A while back I mentioned how my oh so gay gym was closed a week for "renovation". During that time I visited other LA Fitness locations which provided a preview of the state-of-the-art technology incorporating the latest breakthroughs in exercise kinesiology, biophysiometry and iPhone connectivity that I was soon to enjoy when my own gym re-opened.

Futuristic wonders like treadmills with touch-sensitive HD displays which allowed me to catch up on Judge Judy or – better yet – simulate the experience of running along a winding trail beside a forest stream, complete with simulated butterflies fluttering on a refreshing breeze. Only the breeze wasn't simulated. Each treadmill had its own ventilation system. Built in.

When my long wait was over and my gay LA Fitness reopened, I have to admit to being a little underwhelmed. All they did was move stuff around. And yes, we did get new treadmills. Well, we got different treadmills. But the "new" treadmills are even more basic than the ones we had before.

I feel like I'm running backwards.
No HD display. No television tuner. No built-in fan. Not even so much as an iOS/Android companion app. Where the old treadmill at least had an oval of red blinking lights to show my position on a virtual quarter-mile track while text prompts berated me like my high school gym teacher, this electro-mechanical relic has a quaint row of seven-segment LEDs. Numbers. Like I'm some kind of mathematician or accountant.

I used to challenge myself to working out at an incline until I reached my virtual elevation goal of 1000 feet. But I no longer have access to that sort of information. Speed, time, distance and incline. That's it. That's all they think I need to know. It was good enough for gramps so suck it up crybaby.

Why wouldn't the gayest gym in the chain get the latest equipment available rather than what appears to be hand-me-downs from a senior center fire sale? I'm surprised they didn't pick up a few of those old jiggly belt machines while they were at it.

Perhaps a better question is: why do so many of us still put up with this place? I know the answer for me is location. It's the closest gym to my house that doesn't have a boxing ring or make me flip tractor tires in public. And it doesn't hurt that the boys are, for the most part, pretty. But recent events have me reconsidering my slavish devotion to convenience and eye-candy. Especially since the so-called renovation didn't even touch the locker room.

When they announced the impending renovation, my first thought was: Finally! They're going to replace that worn-out, dirty, smelly industrial wall-to-wall carpeting in the locker room with tile! Or linoleum. Or some other suitable material that can be sanitized without a flame-thrower. I pictured travertine. I can't even say for sure what travertine is, it just sounds like something a gay gym locker room deserves.

Imagine my disappointment upon reentering the gayest non-bathhouse-sorta locker room in Midtown to find the same soggy, musty grey carpeting. Ugh. There's not enough Tinactin in the universe to convince me to go barefoot in there.

And that fan. While it's 2014 and my treadmill remains embarrassingly fanless, that same old 32-inch portable industrial fan continues its futile mission of keeping carpet moisture, bacteria and toenail fungus at bay.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure the locker room situation would be much worse without the fan. It's just that the air stream generated by this industrial-sized blower invites an unsavory element to what by all rights should otherwise be a pleasant naked space. I call them "the ball dryers".

There's nothing quite as unsettling as turning the corner to confront the spectacle of an old scrotum flapping like a windsock.

Yes, I think I'm ready to try another gym.


Dramatic reenactment of a recent locker room visual.
It has been edited for the benefit of those who are reading this at work.
Or have a weak constitution.








Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Bear Deli

My infatuation with Scruff seems to go through phases. Like the Moon and my weight. I can easily go six months without launching it. Other times I'm glued to my pocket woof-o-meter. I believe this has to reflect some sort of previously unrecognized hormone cycle. (Hey, I read somewhere men have them too.)

About a month ago I saw my neighbor, Jeff, on Scruff. Jeff is the guy who lives in my building although we only met last February on the big gay cruise. When we're both at home, Scruff says Jeff lives 700 feet away, although my FitBit says it's not even half that. Seriously, I could throw a rock from my balcony and break his window. Probably not the first try though, I throw like a girl.

What I find odd is that Scruff consistently shows at least 30 guys between myself and Jeff. If that were true, that would account for every unit in my building. And I know that can't be right. Not that we don't have our fair share of bears at Colony Square. But of all the residents I know, Jeff is the only one I've seen on Scruff.

There's a hot bear upstairs that I always see around the building. Monday though Friday he gets in his Mercedes wearing a suit and tie. This always makes me think of StevieB's office porn fetish. (Is that still a thing?) On the weekend Hot CEO Bear is tanning at the pool, his furry pecs glistening with a sheen of oil and sweat. This isn't really relevant to my story, but humor me.

The other day my Hot CEO Bear stepped on the elevator with me and, despite the butterflies in my throat, I worked up the nerve to strike up a conversation. I kind of regret that now. In the time it took the lift to go from "P" to "L", my image of Hot CEO Bear went from "Grrrrr" to "Grrrrrl".

Le sigh.

Anyway, Scruff... I don't think it's bear positioning algorithms are entirely accurate. My working theory is that this has to do with the several high-rise condo towers surrounding our squat, three-story community. I suspect the stacks of "looking" horndogs to my immediate North, South, East and West are somehow confusing Scruff into assuming there's a constant man sandwich happening at my house.

Bear orgy at my place! BYOLP.
I can assure you this isn't the case. Not that I'm opposed to a big ol' bear Dagwood, per se. It's just that I have enough trouble keeping the bathtub drain flowing with only one bear in the house. And he's barely cub-sized.

Sunday I got woofed by a guy that Scruff told me was 350 feet away. We started chatting and I, being the curious Pac I am, asked him which building he was in. My suspicions were confirmed when he said he was in a penthouse at Park View. So the woofs weren't coming from inside the building. First relief, then surprise. Glancing up then back to my phone I typed, "Wave your right arm." Hmm, that could be a coincidence. "Now your left." Really? "Now both arms." Yup. I could actually see the guy I was scruffing.

It may be time for another Scruff break.

I could see him but, thanks to my trees, he won't see me until November.
Then my bedroom pretty much becomes a Macy's window.
In an attempt to help him see me in my bright shirt,  I typed,
"I'm the guy with the yellow thirst."

That was a most unfortunate auto-corrrect.