Friday, November 13, 2015

Intruder Alert!

Here's to the end of a busy week. On the same day that I had a six-month dental cleaning and check-up, it seems I'd also scheduled an annual physical with my new primary care physician, Dr. Doogie. Dr. Doogie isn't as smoldering hot as the recently retired Dr. Dilf, but he's young and cute in an adorably dorky kind of way.

While making small talk, it turned out Dr. Doogie and I were in Munich at the same time for Oktoberfest. In fact, we were at the same tent on Gay Day. It's not surprising that we didn't see each other in all the craziness, but picturing Dr. Doogie singing drinking songs in lederhosen began to make him seem more attractive to me.

As he continued his examination, palpating this and tapping that, Dr. Doogie regaled me with a particularly bawdy anecdote of one of his visits to the men's urinal troughs. As hot as good old Dr. Dilf was, my exams with him were all business and I never came close to chubbing in his presence. But on this visit I was trying very hard to think unsexy thoughts as Dr. Doogie rolled my testicles between his thumb and fingers.

I was relieved when it was time to turn away and lean over the examination table. Dr. Doogie continued his story as he gloved his hand and lubed it up. I was becoming alarmed as my half-hard was quickly approaching three-quarters. This never happened to me before. Then again, I never had a doctor tell me stories about gay german public restroom sex while I was naked. Did he know what he was doing to me? I rested my forehead on my folded arms and waited for the intrusion.

And then it happened. Just as he reached my prostate, alarm bells went off. It took me a second to realize the ringing wasn't in my head.

"Are you kidding me?" Dr. Doogie asked rhetorically as he snapped off his glove and excused himself from the examination room. I took the opportunity to pull my shorts on and hastily arrange my shame. He came back a half minute later to explain the office building was having a fire drill. "Since it's just a drill, I guess you can put your clothes on," he winked. He stayed with me as I quickly dressed and put my shoes on, and then he escorted me out of the building to a far corner of the parking lot.

While waiting for the all-clear, we laughed about the timing of it all. "This is definitely a first for me," Dr. Doogie said, and then joked "My first thought was that I tripped some sort of intruder alarm."

"Yes, I finally had to get one of those installed," I replied. "It's a bad neighborhood."